23/05/2021

It was a hellish 2 months.

My stress got worse than ever and I abandoned my study.

I read webnovels as always and by chance, one webnovel I read is pretty detailed on the psychological side of the characters. Additionally, the main characters went to have routine counseling. So, maybe because of the feeling of ‘ah, it’s similar to me’ I made an appointment for a counsel.

I went to have a counseling with a psychologist in the hospital. There’s some relief as I talked about my problems. Although I’m not really sure that’s the correct answer. I said that I have some feeling of inferiority to my peers and a shock(?) of the gap of expectation and reality of things. But seriously I’m not sure whether that’s the main problem.

Anyway, as I study psychology in college, the psychologist noticed that I actually knew many things about my own conditions. That I prolonged this too long that it’s bigger than the actual problem. She pointed out the main topic to be faced. Whether to continue my study(I’m in my third year, so it’s expected to graduate in a year) and at the least having an undergraduate diploma or the fold it off and just wasted my 3 years in college.

Currently what I choose?

Fold it off.

That’s the choice I have in my heart but I haven’t really talked with my parents.

After having a counsel, my heart haven’t really loosened. It’s just recently. About 2 weeks after the counsel? Anyway, I have left behind a very important class and a lot of assignment by this time. I thought ‘its already spilled water, I should have just take a term leave of absence since the start’. It can be said that I’m running away from my responsibility. Maybe I read too much regression webnovels.

Then I thought, why not just repeat a year? I have given some clue when my parents asked me how’s my graduation project in the car. Ah, my graduation project proposal is rotting in my folder fyi. They responded to that I shouldn’t given up and I should have a goal. But that’s the problem. I’m still not sure what’s my goal. The goal I have when I was a freshmen is gone, tho it’s kind of vague from the start, so maybe as I come near that goal I realized it’s just some illusion and I lost my way.

Between the time after counsel and this, I was hit pretty bad when relatives asked me about what year I’m in and that I would soon graduate. That day, after receiving some relatives that came to home(it’s a big holiday tradition to visit neighbors and relatives) I didn’t go out of my room even when my mom pleading.

I know it’s a waste of money and time if I give up my study. It will be hard to find a job without an undergraduate diploma. And my case isn’t because I don’t like my study major, I love it instead. I really feel the first year of my college is really worth it. I choose and study psychology because I’m fascinated by human’s mind. It’s really interesting to look through someone just from some subtle actions or speech. You won’t completely know someone explicitly(?). Tho my curiosity isn’t that deep like researcher. Researcher isn’t that well known job here.

Uh…

Back to the topic. The reason I wrote this because I want to talk about environment pressure. In my mind it’s okay to repeat a year. But my pride tell that it’s embarrassing to having a class with my juniors. Repeating senior students have a pretty bad rep even in my year. Most of them are problematic student that didn’t mix well with the juniors for group assignment. It’s a whole another story what kind of bad gaze from relatives when you’re repeating class or delaying graduation.

Seriously, I think I read too much webnovels. In Korea it’s seems pretty common to apply for a leave of absence because of military, job or other things. And when they comeback again it’s not that bad. It’s not that bad when you’re graduating after 5-6 years. I know it’s cultural things, but…

Hum…

I should looking for my dream seriously…