[Blog] 28/01/2021

In about 2 weeks school will start again…
I should be preparing things but… I still can’t brave my self to do most of them.
The regrets of last year are huge. So huge that my ankle tangled and hard to walk through. I want to broke the tangled rope. I try. But I need something else to help me.

I never talk about how bad my grades or my no-good relationships with college mates to my parents. That’s why it was sooo refreshing to read novels where the MC’s parent support them. I want to talk but… I already made so many mistakes… And I know I’m making more mistakes by staying like this.

I miss 2019, when my mind and heart was much better. When I happily did things I never do before. What’s the reason I become like this? I’m not sure. I think it’s started around Nov or Dec ’19 when I locked myself in my dorm room for a whole week. I skipped classes. I never answered calls. I turned off my phone’s notifications. I turned off the lamp and took my shoes inside, so no one thought I was inside. I just read novel all day long and only ate when really hungry. Was it Omniscient Reader Viewpoint I read back then? I don’t remember. I only thought to forget myself and drown myself in other worlds.

People looked for me. After that I was fine for awhile. Until Jan 20 come.
It was holiday, but I cut off communication with my clubs and most college mates for a whole month. I didn’t participate in many important clubs meetings. I came back but I knew something already wasn’t right. Then when new term came, I decided to make a counsel appointment. But as it’s pretty early in the term, everyone still busy with class schedules and club’s new reorganization. The counseling department hadn’t start working regularly. Then. The pandemic come.

I don’t really like to talk about the rest of 2020. It’s my worst year. Ever.
I failed so many classes. At start I was still keeping up but then my anxiety kicked in and it turned worse with time. At first I pulled off my hands from any social media. Then I start to flinch and my heart beating fast when I heard my phone’s ring. I changed my number. I changed my device. I completely deactivate my phone, when there are so many important contacts. After that, I’m afraid meeting people except those I know.

Currently, I’m working on translations to ease my anxiety. All I did last year was reading web novel, so I decided to do something related. When I was busying myself with translations, I didn’t realize school will start soon. And here I’m, tripped again. Struggling with anxiety.

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